being on vacation this last week has made me realize something. I overwork myself and overstress myself in every aspect of my life. i need to relax about EVERYTHING! everything i do is so intense and with this attitude that it MUST happen and it MUST happen a CERTAIN way. ugh, it’s tiring. when i left on vacation, i was mentally exhausted. i am starting to feel a bit rejuvenated, but it’s so hard not to fall back into it!
for example, with finances-i want to get out of debt and start saving. with the current economic climate, i feel this urgency to get it done now. but what happens is i try to do everything all at once. i try to stop using my credit card-which is a good thing. but at the same time i try to save a huge chunk of money, which gets me into trouble. i get anxious and try to do too much saving at once, and then i end up having to use my credit card. so it becomes a vicious cycle. i try to be too perfect in my attempts to change my financial situation, and when i slip up, i get so down on myself. i start the month off strong, with little or no superfluous spending. but then halfway through, i break down and go on a big spending spree. then i freak out, and pull the strings shut again. and so the cycle goes.
the same happens with my exercise. i start my program with these high expectations that i’ll have instant results, that i’ll become this super-fit person instantly, and when i don’t see those results (which, even if i did have, i probably wouldn’t see anyway) i get frustrated and down on myself. I panic if i miss a workout, and i worry if i eat unhealthy foods. i’m so obsessed with doing everything right that i become my biggest roadblock to success.
i am currently training for a marathon. this marathon is a big deal for me, not only because it’s a marathon, but also because it is a long-term goal that i really want to see it through. originally, all i wanted to do was finish. but as i started training, i started analyzing how fast i was running-wondering if i was running as fast as other people, and i started wanting to run it in a certain amount of time. every training run i did i was trying to run faster and faster, and i started to burn out. last week i was on vacation and had big plans to run every day. i didn’t, and i think it’s a good idea. i needed to reset and step back.
at home i do the same thing. the house always has to be perfect. i do like to clean and keep a nice house-it helps me feel grounded and centered. yet i can easily take it to extremes, panicking almost every time i see dust on something. i noticed that when i was on vacation, i never noticed if there was dust on any of the furniture. maybe there just wasn’t any, but that’s unlikely. but at my own house i see everything under a microscope.
i do with work, too. i always see what i can do better, and put this crazy pressure on myself to do everything, all at once. today i’m even panicking a bit because i’m not getting as much done as i would like. but hell, it’s my first day back since i returned from vacation, so i should be able to give myself a break. i give other people breaks, so why not myself? but i always hear my boss’ voice over my shoulder saying something how i’m just a slacker (which he does say, by the way, though apparently it’s his idea of a joke. somehow i don’t agree that being condescending is funny.) i’m always so worried that other people are going to see my work as sub-par, or my work ethic as lax if i don’t respond immediately or get things done on the spot. but what happens is that i get so bogged down in this perfectionism that i can’t even take one step forward.
while i was on vacation, i really wanted to do some artwork. i wanted to draw, but i had no energy or motivation to do so. i felt guilty about it, but i think i’m just mentally exhausted. i want to create, but i feel like my brain has been wrung dry since i’ve been so intensely focused on everything else.
even after my vacation when i felt refreshed, i found myself making lists of everything i was going to do when i got back: write cards to everyone (which i do believe is a good thing to do), fix up my garden (my mother in law has amazing gardens, and somehow i felt that mine need to be that amazing by the end of this weekend), do some more artwork ( i was inspired to do more crafty things while looking around at different shops), and more and more.
i realize i’m doing the exact same thing that wore me out in the first place. i’m making lists of things to do because I think that is what is going to make me better. do do do, but i feel like it’s madness. i want to just be, and be okay with just being. i want to stop making lists of things to always do because i’m finding that i don’t enjoy doing them when i have so much pressure on myself, and what’s the point if what i’m doing doesn’t bring me pleasure?
my new year’s resolution for this year was to simplify my life. but, if you want to call this a mid-year evaluation, i really haven’t simplified anything. but, on the positive side, they say the biggest step towards solving the issue is realizing that it is, in fact, an issue in your life. so, that said, maybe now i can be more conscious of all my doingness and recognize when it’s affecting me. then i can stop and focus more on beingness.
